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Fic: Five Superpowers Xander Is Not Sorry, Upon Reflection, That He Doesn't Have
spike_neutral
shadowscast
Hello, world. How's it going? Me, I've been okay, but busy and tired and somehow drained of all creativity. I just went about three months without writing a word of fiction, which may actually be the longest fallow period I've had since I was six years old. I mean, three months without posting—sure, no big deal. Three months without writing, though? I turned around and realized I'd lost a part of myself. Eeep. But even this realization happened in a context of things opening up and my energy starting to come back—spring is here, the academic year has finished, and my husband has just quit his job (which is a good thing!).

So yesterday I realized I could write again, and it felt really good. I set the bar low: a "five things" story with drabble chapters. A gently attainable goal. And I finished it today!

500 words. Gen.

Five Superpowers Xander Is Not Sorry, Upon Reflection, That He Doesn't Have


1) Flight

"Bugs in your teeth," Dawn said, wrinkling her nose.

"Bloody military would probably come and shoot you down," Spike said.

"At the very least you'd get hit with a fine for not filing a flight plan," Anya chimed in.

"And you'd look like a right pillock in a leotard," Spike added.

"And you like driving," Anya reminded him. "The personal automobile is a very convenient mode of transportation. Long distance flights would be cold and uncomfortable and what if you ran into a flock of Canada geese?"

"You guys suck," Xander said, and yet he had to concede the point.


2) X-Ray Vision

"Sure, there's the superficial appeal of looking under ladies' clothes," Anya said, "but if your calibration is off by a fraction of an inch, you'll be looking at their guts instead."

"Also that would be wrong," Dawn added with a glare.

"I'd worry about walking into walls," Spike said, flicking his lighter. "Seeing through them, not knowing they're there. I knew a demon had that problem once. Last time I saw the poor bugger, he was flattened against the outside of a Starbuck's. Three feet to the left of the bloody door, mind you."

Xander crossed it off his list.


3) Strength

"There's always someone stronger, that's the problem," Spike said, waving his cigarette. "Got vampire strength? A Slayer comes and knocks you on your arse. Slayer strength? Next thing you know you're fighting a troll, or a god."

"And think of the doorknobs," Dawn said. "Do you have any idea how many doorknobs Buffy's busted?"

"You think it would make you safer," Anya mused, "but really, it would make you even more stupidly heroic. You'd go running into danger even more often than you already do."

"I could help my friends," Xander insisted.

Dawn shrugged. "You already help by fixing doorknobs."


4) Laser Beam Eyes

"Do I even need to start listing the problems with that one?" Dawn asked. "Books bursting into flames while you're reading them. Friends mysteriously avoiding eye contact. Cats and dogs running from you in fear. Brush fires. Scorch marks all over the walls."

"I'm assuming there'd be a way to turn them off," Xander pointed out with some asperity.

"What if the bad guys brought mirrors?" Anya asked. "One glance the wrong way and you'd fry yourself."

"Or the bloke standing next to you," Spike pointed out.

Xander smirked. "Was that supposed to be a disincentive?"

Dawn kicked his shin.


5) Ability To Turn Things Into Chocolate Ice Cream By Touching Them, But Only Voluntarily

"Okay, you win," Dawn said. "I don't see a downside."

"Well, what would you be turning into ice cream?" Anya asked. "And wouldn't it be unpleasant, afterwards, thinking about what it was you were really eating? I mean, for instance, suppose you transformed this flowerpot into ice cream. Could you really enjoy eating it, or would you be thinking the whole time about ceramic and dirt and geraniums?"

"Things could get sticky," Spike mused.

"Hey, there's chocolate ice cream in the freezer," Dawn said. "Anybody up for big gooey sundaes?"

Xander graciously accepted defeat. "Who needs superpowers when there's chocolate?"


Comments at Dreamwidth:

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You have made my evening, no doubt about it!

Julia, having spent the day mostly soaked to the skin.

*hands you a fluffy towel*

I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

LOL! Ice cream for the win!

And don't worry Xander. Having superpowers is overrated.

Having superpowers is overrated.

Totally. *nods*

Thanks for commenting!

"Last time I saw the poor bugger, he was flattened against the outside of a Starbuck's. Three feet to the left of the bloody door, mind you."

Xander crossed it off his list."

Wonderful! :D

That was awesome! Aw, Xander, I love you the way you are. And yes, superpowers are way overrated.

Absolutely.

Thanks for commenting!

Loved it! Absolutely superb and very funny. So nice to see you writing again.

Love it. Love you. Miss you. Miss your writing.

At some point I'll have to hear about why it's good that your husband quit his job.

(Big hugs to all of you)

It's one of the most charming stories I read. I can't believe I missed it! A lesson to me: to actually read my f-list, not only newsletters.

I'm so glad you started writing again. Hopefully there will be more. *hugs*


Aw, thanks! :-)

*loves your icon*

(Deleted comment)
You already help by fixing doorknobs.

Seriously. You'd be amazed at how much like a super power fixing stuff is!

Wonderful interlude. I'm happy you got back on the horse!

Seriously. You'd be amazed at how much like a super power fixing stuff is!

Haha, yeah, to me it seems like true magic! (I'm of the "couldn't we just put some duct tape on it?" school of home repairs.)

Thanks for your comment!

So sweet, and everyone's voices just perfect.

I don't usually read much Xander fic, but I wandered over here from the Herald on the strength of the title alone, because it amused me. I'm glad I did. These are fabulous. Especially this:

"Sure, there's the superficial appeal of looking under ladies' clothes," Anya said, "but if your calibration is off by a fraction of an inch, you'll be looking at their guts instead."

"Also that would be wrong," Dawn added with a glare.


Hee!

shadowscast is an amazing writer. I'm so glad the Herald brought this to everyone's attention.

I'm so glad you liked them! Thanks for the feedback.

Aw - nice to see something from you. Loved this. Low-key but great fun. As always, your voices are spot-on.

Thanks! I'm really glad you liked it.

Dawn shrugged. "You already help by fixing doorknobs."

Made me laugh!

This was fun.

Hooray for laughter! That's the absolute best compliment. :-)

Thanks for the feedback!

This was so cute! I love Dawn's kicking Xander under the table, and Spike's interjections.

I'm glad you liked it! Thanks for the feedback.

lol that was really cute, great job. and i've been having the whole lack of writing thing going on myself and am trying to slowly ease myself back into it. good luck :)

Thanks for the comment! And good luck yourself with the easing-back-into-writing thing.

I followed moscow_watcher's link here. Very cute, I loved the character's interaction here!

Followed a link from buffyversetop5 and very glad I did! Lovely fun reminder of how they interact.

Hee! Folled the top-5 rec. YAY. Very cute and sweet - but now I need chocolate ice cream. Like, woah.

Loved it. Very funny. Here by the top 5 rec.

Hee! A fun return to writing. Enjoyed it thoroughly.

Hee! That was funny. I'd still go for the chocolate superpower though. :)

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